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Tuesday, 28 July 2009

Life's Little Wonders....

Sometimes it makes me wonder how it is things turn out the way they do... well.. there is 6 days left til my move.. and I do have many things that I still have to do yet...however I've been blessed with having things perhaps come together a bit... I am still short, and haven't had help just yet from very many people if any, however, I'm happy with things bit by bit... and I'm glad about it. I'm trying my best anyway without therapy and working with what little I have... so I guess like most things, all good things come in time. So I've been praying alot more...
Hmm.. well, that's all I feel like writing right now anyway... hoping still for help, but I'm going to leave that up to God for now, since even if I ask, it doesn't mean that it's going to happen. So I need to try with things for myself a bit more. Keeping up my confidence... bit by bit. ^-^
Yumi~

Wednesday, 01 July 2009

My 30 Day College Fund Help Needed

Well, this isn't exactly the best thing to do, and I'm not very sure exactly how successful this is going to turn out, but I'm running out of options and I know I'll never be able to say it wouldn't have worked unless I asked...
So.. basically this about my college fund. Currently I'm needing to reach my goal of $2000.00 for college for august. I have 30 days before my moving day to know whether or not I'm actually going to make it for college. I currently already work 2 jobs, but the one I drive back and forth to in another town 20 mins or so out, takes a good chunk of my funds already, not including my basic bills to pay already and my meds, etc...(meds cause I have a mental illness) SO, while also trying to sell whatever anime/ and such I have, I'm going to end up short to make it.
The situation:
So far, I'll have about a couple hundred if I'm lucky around by next payday, the main expenses that I'm asking about is because at the end of the month, I'm going to be moving 2 provinces over to Ontario to the GTA to go to college which everything has been accepted, gone through, etc. However anything I'm getting for loans won't take effect til after school starts because that's the way sask loans work... Which leaves me to need to make enough for my gas, first rent and groceries in the least for august so that I can prepare for school and re-adjust myself to the area, etc.
SO, that being said... I'm left with asking if anyone knows what it's like to be in this tight spot and know how harsh it can be to go to college, if anyone can spare anything to help me out with my goal for next month, it would be GREATLY appreciated... It is embarassing for me already to do this, but again.. never know til you try. So for anyone who does contribute anything to my cause, I appreciate it SOO very much, and thank you.
Have a good week you guys!
https://www.paypal.com/cgi-bin/webscr?cmd=_donations&business=8HVFR3G5FYXP8&lc=CA&item_name=College%2030%20day%20Fund&currency_code=CAD&bn=PP%2dDonationsBF%3abtn_donateCC_LG%2egif%3aNonHosted

Tuesday, 31 March 2009

I was watching Scrubs earlier...an interesting show. Well in the 6th season one of the nurses (Laverne) who was well liked by the main chars ended up getting into an accident and was declared brain dead. One of her closest friends (Carla) was the last to say goodbye cause she was sure that there might be some possibility that she would come out of it. But there wasn't anything that could have been done.. so after Carla was seeing Laverne with her everywhere through the hospital and the rest of the people helped her realize that she needed to say goodbye to her. Then when she finally did.. it was all sad... and I guess it kind of reminded me about how much I don't always think about how precious life really can be.
Here I am with wanting to end my own life half the time.. and yet..even though I haven't really had the best of luck with very many things in my life...I guess I sometimes forget about the wonderful things that I do have.. Like even if one thing didn't work out in an aspect.. the very few close friends I do have that are just.. a big piece of what makes me who I am. There's one person whose been so massively important to me.. and grew to be the one person I found I could love more than anything I've felt for anyone ever in my entire life. And.. although we didn't get to work out for the time...he's been still the best kind of friend I could ever ask for. Still there for me more than anyone, and I appreciate it so much...
And although I haven't had... the best of relationships with my parents.. and especially my mom. I still wanted to be able to work things out with them once....where they'd be proud of me rather than...dissapointed. I know they don't see that much of anything I do is proper..or logical...or the right choice. But no matter what crap I've gone through.. and what's brought me to where I am now.. I really like to believe that it's possible that everything that happened so far... really has a purpose to it. Nothing I did was a mistake, because it's all lead me to here.. and this is something more than I could ever want.

I guess I just... sometimes can't help but wonder about why things happen the way they do... why everyone lets the bad things get them down. Not everything is truly that hopeless... right?
Oh well... I'm gunna be going for an appointment soon, so I'll cut this off for now.

Laters,
Yumi~

Friday, 20 March 2009

   I remember once being told I'd amount to nothing, that I do everything wrong, that everything I'd ever done or be trying to do would be nothing but whims and they'd lead me nowhere. I also remember being told that I could do anything I set my mind to, that there was more to me than I gave myself credit for...
   How could half of any of this be true? How could it be lies? Is there even a way to tell the difference? Does any of it change at all if I'm a mental case? Does any of it matter if I'm 'normal'? What defines truly what we are and we want to be? Is it our parents? Friends? Co-workers? The little voice inside our heads? I started to realize that no matter what most of anyone does to what they think to believe they're choosing merely from their own mind, it's really just a decision in which they were making heads or tails out of everything they'd said, heard or done in the while which gave the answer to what they wished to do.
    I always keep being told.. to do things for myself...and they say it after everytime when I feel alone and would like to look at my options based with how much support of people I love or are close to are... or somewhere I believe would be interesting for myself. How does it not occur to anyone that what I'm wanting to choose to do, although I give reasons with some people in it, that it's not the base, but it IS what I think is best for me. If I happen to choose to want to be near someone... I don't just base it off of the fact that I can see them... I base it off of the fact that there are obviously more things there aside from that person that may be beneficial to me, even if some parts of the plan are going to be a little rough around the edges. That IS what makes life so interesting.

   Most of my life literally has been spent with inner torment and hatred.. anger and frustration, and no matter how much I could try to cling onto my happy-go-lucky feeling that things would turn out eventually... that's what I believed... and my happiness was that if I was strong, and was there for the people I cared about, that it would help me feel better by helping them feel better... that caring and honesty were key things in life. But for some reason when I was kicked out... that wasn't ever even the case... I got lied to, stomped on, betrayed, used... we all get it. But being aware more and more how alone I really was, or how in the end no matter how many people will say they won't ever do something... reality is.. they will likely do it. Not even because they intended to...even the purest of intentions go wrong.. and it hurts a lot of people. I had that often.. I haunted myself for everything.. and always kept pinning it on myself that I needed to be better.. and yet somehow, I'd still just crush under the pressure.
   Was there ever going to be one person in my whole life that would love me and actually be able to do it without regretting it? Or be another one to shove everything I'd ever known back in my face against me?

    I swear I couldn't believe the day when I finally realized what I had...and since I bottled everything in, and my hauntings were the reason I had to suffer.. I deserved it, the more I began to notice...I had the best thing that had ever happened to me. Some people will tell you in your life that love/relationships aren't what people need, that they don't make things worth or reasons to do or be anything. The mistake people make are that most people are calling things love without even time, experience and effort put into it. Its' nearly almost lost it's meaning...
But the one man I loved more than anything else in this whole world, was the reason for so many things. It's horrible when it takes you to lose that, before you realize, how low you truly sank when you literally thought that things for you could get no lower. It took a first year to know for certain...but I somehow can't help but believe that soulmates truely are blessed in our lives for a reason. I also believe that sadly... sometimes when you lose it, you may never get it back. But second chances are made for a reason too, and no matter what bad happens... things shouldn't be dropped or given up on just because they're hard or they hurt. Things.Will.Hurt. But when you can do that with someone, and no matter how harsh it seemed you can still look at them as if they were your whole world, hold them in your arms, and tell them how much you love them...that is what makes all the difference in the hope and strength and actual love there is....I know I had it. I know I lost it, and finally I've somehow come to realize my true worth.. and what kind of person I want to be...and who I want to be with. You can never tell with time...but you can't give up either. Marching on with a love for something, is better than struggling alone with nothing.

Nothing.Is.Impossible.

Saturday, 14 March 2009

Love doesn't go away.. ever

No matter what anyone may ever say, if there was actual love... that love will never go, even if being with the person didnt work out as you'd hope...
That feeling will never ever go away...